90 days until my 60th birthday and the journey begins to find the girl I left behind. Actually 92, so I am using these 2 days to get ready, get set, and then on March 10th - GO!
I am an artist. I have always referred to myself as an artist, since I was about six years old. I love being an artist and I especially LOVE all that "being an artist" encompasses. Especially the eccentric and crazy parts, that really appeals to me. Artists that do what they love, live their lives unafraid, dress they way they want, create what makes them happy and don't worry about what "everyone" thinks.
I have always been fascinated with artists (and their craziness) and the ones that misbehaved the worst have always been my favorites! Zelda Fitzgerald, Dorothy Parker, Picasso, Hemingway, Tallulah Bankhead, you get the picture.
Dances on tables- check- love that!
Wears outlandish clothes- check-love that too!
Parties and drinks too much- check- was fun back in the day! I would rather read about this now than actually do it.
Say what you think and do what you want- check and check- I have the first one down pat already, gotta work on the second part.
And when I was younger, in junior high, high school and even college, when most kids are worried most about what everybody thinks, I never did, I never cared. I wore the coolest clothes that I had my mother make for me, because they were so stylish, they were not for sale in Opelika, Alabama. Instead of blending in, I wore fringed vests, lace up boots, and hats, berets, bellbottoms and hip huggers and I was fabulous!!!
I really have never cared what people thought, not sure why, because the rest of my family has the decency to care. Mostly, I really didn't think people were thinking much about me anyway. I figured as long as I wasn't doing anything immoral, illegal or that would hurt anyone, then whatever I did or said (regardless of how it looked- much to my Mama's mortification), then it was okay. The ONLY people I really cared about what they thought, were my family. I never wanted to disappoint my Mama or Daddy. I really wanted my brother and sisters to like me. I was the oldest and wanted them to look up to me. I don't think I set a "great" example, but I wanted them to think I was fun and make them laugh.
Which I guess brings me to where I am and why I am on this journey.
My siblings are awesome. I look up to them. I REALLY want their approval. I want them to know how fantastic I think they are and I want to do something to make them proud of me. My kids, I want them to be proud of me, I want them to say "look what my mom does, isn't this ____, (insert really good adjectives here, like cool, crazy, fantastic, whatever)". Then there are my three amazing grandkids- the delight of my life- they remind me how to play, about wonder, about being comfortable in your skin, not worrying how your hair looks, or if you color outside the lines. I want to be the coolest grandmother EVER, but most of all I want to be like them-happy, carefree, fearless and wonderful.
I want to make my parents proud, but they are so supportive and accepting that as long as I don't do something completely awful, they already think I am pretty special (or so they say). But still can't hurt to make them a little more proud.
Of course, most importantly, my husband, Alan. There is nobody I want to make prouder of me than him. He "gets" me, he always has. He can be a tough critic, but usually that just makes whatever I am doing better. He has been through my extreme success of my businesses- to the point I thought I was going to crack, through my greatest highs and lowest lows and is always there to support me, get me back on track, encourage me, let me vent, rant, rage and cry and on top of all of that he feeds me (yes, he does all the cooking-and is AWESOME at it). I owe him the best part of me and he hasn't had that for the last couple of years- so I am going to get his girl back!
In all of my artistic endeavors and businesses I have ALWAYS, ALWAYS created with the thought "Will people like this? Can I sell it?" So for the next 90 days I am going to PLAY, I have no idea what I am going to make, but it is all going to be play, to discover who I really am, what I really love to do, and if it ends up that I have something other people like, great- if not, I will cover the walls of our house with whatever I make, or try to pawn it off on my kids. But for now, this is not about creating for others.
And on top of reinventing the artistic side of me, I am going to try to change some of my other habits. To be healthier. To "exercise", oh God, I would rather have needles stuck in my eyes, but at least to walk some, maybe try to get back to yoga, I used to LOVE yoga. I want to meditate regularly- I can only do it for short time, but oh the results I have had when I did! I want to be excited when I get up in the morning and exhausted and fulfilled when I go to bed at night. I want to laugh more, I want to pay more attention to each moment, and all the glorious things around me. Whatever irritations that come along, I want to learn to let them slip past me, without turning them into drama and most of all to stop letting them ruin my day.
I want to have fun! I want to get rid of all the black in my wardrobe and replace it with color, crazy and kooky- Iris Apfel is my hero, she is what I used to be and want to be again- so I have some fear to tackle in that department. I am going to let Alan take some pictures of me (maybe), because one of the things I hate most is to have my picture taken. Nobody ever has to worry about seeing selfies from me! But that may change, wrinkles and all!
So, lots to do in the next 90 days, we will see what happens. I have some good books to help keep me on track, and the real purpose of writing this is to hold me accountable- even if nobody ever reads it. And if you do, thank you!